Activly Living Life

I had a revelation today. I get so anxious about my future, worried about what might happen to me. But I think that is looking at it backwards.

I OWN what happens to me. I own the world. The world doesn't own me. I happen to the world, instead of the world happening to me!

My First Meditation

I have been thinking about starting to meditate for a long time. I think it could really help me become more centered, relaxed, and balanced.

So tonight I finally gave it a try. It was awesome. I wanna try to keep doing this a couple times a week. It was so relaxing and refreshing. I light some candles, turned the lights off, and sat down. I was attempting to just relax, and be me, and accept myself and whatever thoughts floated through my head. I am me and I can be no one else so I have no choice but to accept the person that I am.

Magic, Wicca, and Pagans

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while but I've been embarrassed about publicly admitting that I believe in magic. Our culture says that magic isn't real so anyone who believes it is must be crazy. Once I realized that this was the source of my angst I realized that it was doubly important that I take the time to think all this through. Fuck Mother Culture.

When I met Rob about two years ago, that was the first time I had met someone who considered themselves Wiccian. I didn't really buy the whole magic thing at the time but I'm open minded and in time Rob and I were married.

Lately I've begun to become close friends with a few people who I consider to be highly intelligent that happen to be really into the whole magic thing. If they believe in this, there might be something to it.

So I'm tired of storytelling. Long story short, I have determined that I am able to generate energy through my emotions. I am just starting to get into this and I am not sure what to make of it. I'm reading a book about energy that Rob got for me at the local metaphysical book shop. I guess I believe in magic now. It seems a little weird still but it is exciting. It's a whole new world opening up for me.

art and self-absorption

I was watching an older interview with Voltaire last night that he had posted on his myspace. Voltaire said something that has really stuck with me. He said that in order to be an artist you have to be self-absorbed. What could be more narcissistic than to say "Fuck what I'm supposed to be doing. I am just going to let these ideas take over and be a slave to these ideas and create something."

I thought this was a fascinating point of view. It does take a certain amount of self-involvement in order to think that your own personal ideas and fantasies are so amazing that you should devote your life to making them a reality. I myself can be pretty vain at times. My days as of late are spent trying to realize my own creative visions via my photography and my knitting. What could be more narcissistic than thinking that someone might want to pay for something that I made?

Goths

Lately I have been getting into the whole goth subculture. Unfortunately, Syracuse doesn't really have a "scene" of any sort so a lot of my exploration has been through the interwebs.

I have always thought that the whole goth fashion thing was really hott but haven't ever had a way to explore the subculture. My high school had a few goth kids but my social anxiety was pretty bad back then. I spent most of high school hiding behind a book so talking to other people was usually right out.

And then in walks Justin into my life. Justin is Rob's best friend. Justin was the minister for my wedding (he and Rob have known each other since they were 3 years old). Justin also identifies as a goth. I spent quite a bit of my wedding weekend hanging out with Justin. I was like wow this kid is a killer dresser and a fascinating person to talk to.

After the wedding, I started to root around on the Internet for more information about goths. I started dressing in my version of goth attire. People told me I looked hot. I found a goth club called Vertex in Rochester that I went to one night.

Now because of the lack of anything happening in Syracuse I have constructed an idea of goth on my own. What follows is my idea of what it means to be goth. I think of goth as embracing everything and anyone. All are welcome in the goth scene. Goths like to think about those things that most people avoid, supposedly dark things, things like death and sadness. Goths seem to be such a diverse group of people that they are really hard to generalize about.

What draws me into the scene? Since I am wicked vain, I love that everyone thinks I look so good all "gothed" up. The fashion is so much fun to wear. I love clothes and make-up. Since I have never quite felt like I belonged, I love the idea of a group that is all about accepting those individuals that for whatever reason society has rejected. A lot of people involved in the scene seem to be kinda artsy and creative and I love that since I am also totally an art chick. I also love having intelligent conversation with people and goth kids are wicked smart and spend a lot of time actually thinking about shit! Goth music is also really fun. Voltaire = amazing!!

This post was even less coherent than usual but ce las vie or whatever.

XOXO,

Gnome

Interconnectedness and other related subjects

I am a consumer whore. I love things. It is part of the reason I love knitting so much. It is another way to acquire things. Most Americans are caught up in the game of consuming shit. The major problem with American society is that we Americans value all the wrong things: the stuff you own, your house, your job, your money. None of that stuff matters.

What is important is your connection to other people. It is through your relationships with other people that you should define yourself because they are the only thing that can truly make you happy.

Vonnegut wrote a great essay about this in his book A Man Without a Country. He discusses how important human interaction is in his everyday life. Like how he likes going to the news stand to buy an envelope and to the post office to mail a letter just to get the chance to have this small interaction with another person. It is this interaction that helps us define ourselves. Sure you could just buy envelopes online and then put the letter in your mailbox but then you miss out on the most important part of life.

That same essay also talks about how technology alienates us from each other. Technology means that you have the option to avoid those all important human interactions. Personally, I love technology. I think if used correctly it can help provide you with more opportunities to interact with others. I love my cell phone. I use it to text my friends all the time. Aim is an awesome way for me to keep in touch with my friends who live far away.

This post has kinda wandered all over the place. Let me close by reminding you that human relationships are what is important in life. And no that hot mage you met playing World of Warcraft defintly doesn't count.

Musical Tastes Vs. Societal Expectations

Dear Flights of Fancy,

I have something to confess. I have never told anyone this, not even Rob. That I am confessing this to you means I am willing to take our relationship seriously.

Many of the bands I spend the most amount of time and energy dissing I secretly really like. I may go on and on about how new Green Day sucks but that is because I secretly really like "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" and may be able to sing along to it. Everyone I know thinks that song is crap so I am too scared to admit I like it.

But no more! One of the points of our relationship is to figure out how societal norms have effected how I perceive myself and others. I shall proudly scream from the rooftops my love of "Famous Last Words," "Teenagers," and of course "Boulevard of Broken Dreams."

XOXO,

Gnome

Modern Feminism: An update

I was discussing the topic in the post below with someone and they had some interesting points so I thought I would share them with you.

"I think girls lose their clothing first because they are usually in a more objectified/submissive role (the object of desire as opposed to being the aggressor/initiator of sex). This position is not necessarily a powerless one. The ability to accept or reject sexual advances without the fear of rejection (which is something the aggressor/initiator constantly has to deal with) is arguably a more powerful position. The ability to be in control while seeming to be powerless. Think of it as veto power. I think it's less about power than about the roles men and women typically assume."

I can't stand gender roles. Woman's roles tend to be seen as inferior and thus are not imbued with the sort of authority and power that a man's would be. I just think that men and women shouldn't have to play these parts.

I do like your comment about having veto power. I totally know how that works. I completely know how to act in order to get a guy to want me.

Bottom line, I hate having to play a role. I just want to do what I like without having to fear being labeled as a slut or crazy or a freak. I just want to be me.

Modern Feminism: A Theory

So I was having sex the other day and it occurred to me that girls always lose their clothes faster than guys. It happens without fail every time. My husband seems to think that it is just because guys want access to my tits. I think this is bullshit.

It is an example of the inequality of power that exists in male-female relationships. The guy is the one who is supposed to be in charge. Think about it: the guy proposes marriage and the girl just gets to say yes; girls leave love notes in guys lockers. I say fuck that shit. I can choose my lovers as much as they choose me. People only have power over you if you let them. I have power in relationships. I can choose. Both partners can choose.

To me, feminism is all about equality. It is a two way street. Feminism means that girls can wear pants and that guys can cry.

So feminism must mean that this power inequality doesn't have to exist. It only exists if you let it. So the next time I'm having sex, I'm totally stripping the guy before he even gets a chance to think about taking off my shirt.

Mission Statement

This is meant to be a space where I can write out all the different thoughts churning away in my head. It may or may not end up making sense. People may or may not read it. That is fine with me. The main point of this is just to organize my thoughts. If people do end up reading this, giving me your viewpoint on the things I'm saying is highly encouraged as it makes my ideas stronger.